What would Satan drive?

Much deliberation has gone into the philosophical quandary: "What would someone-or-other drive?" The question is usually targeted to the best among us – Jesus, the good, the kind, the saintly. But point is often worthless without counterpoint and good is a meaningless concept without evil to help define it. If we explore what the best of us might drive, we should also explore the darker side of the philosophical equation.
What would Satan drive? Satan lives beyond time and human dimension, so what he drives is not the type of information mere mortals can fix in their minds by describing year, make and model. Satan's conveyance appears differently to people of different eras and nations. Egyptians circa 1500 BC might see a big-ass chariot with spiky wheels. Venetians of the 16th century envision an oil black barge with a mysterious gondoliero plying the canals.
Throughout history, those who report seeing such mysterious dark vehicles have no doubt about what they've witnessed, but it's more of an impression than an image. When glimpsed in current times, Satan might drive a car that takes on various characteristics. A few hours after the encounter, witnesses might recall only one or two details about what they saw. If you put all the reports together, they might read something like this:
• Satan drives a big old car, with its vital statistics measured in Imperial units. Two tons strong and 21 feet long with a 10-foot wheelbase.
• Satan drives a big two-door model, 'cause he couldn't care less how easy it is for his passengers to get in or out. He wants a great big door so he can whip it out to clip bicyclists and unwary skateboarders when he's parked.
• Satan's car is a hybrid, running on gasoline primarily and coal when necessary. His car gets eight miles to the gallon in the city and nine on the highway, but, with a 40-gallon tank, that's enough to complete any evil mission on the roster, there and back.
• Satan's car loves to guzzle leaded gasoline because it gives him a sm-o-o-o-o-ther ride.
• Satan's car has 23 well-oiled cylinders and only 17 functioning spark plugs.
• Satan's car has a smooth idle. You can't hear the engine, even though he keeps it running 24/7.
• Satan's car has manual brakes that stick and a big fat aftermarket gas pedal designed specially for cloven hooves.
• Satan's car has a single bumper sticker that reads: "I brake for succubi."
• Satan believes in emissions control. It's called a tailpipe and it directs the fumes behind the vehicle instead of letting them up through the ragged holes in the floorboard.
• Satan's car has four wide-profile blackwalls with no treads and missing air caps.
• Satan's car has a sound system: an AM radio with three pre-sets and an eight-track tape player stuck on an endless loop of Cat Stevens' Tea for the Tillerman. Speakers supplied by Lloyds.
• Satan's car has a video entertainment unit: a 26-inch Electrohome console screwed to the dashboard and held there with barbed wire. There's a Sony Super-Betamax in the glove compartment.
• Satan's leather upholstery is made up of the skins of endangered species. He didn't kill the last few because he figures some day he might need a matching upholstery patch.
• Satan's car features end-to-end chrome and no plastic except for a cracked vinyl roof and an evil little dashboard figure that dances when he does doughnuts in the church parking lot.
• Satan's air freshener is shaped like a lump of coal. It hangs from the rear-view mirror and smells like a mixture of brimstone and bad aftershave.
• Satan's car has a big klaxon horn that goes "A-WHOOO-GA" when you least expect it. He can also flip a switch to play La Cucaracha like the catering trucks that show up on construction sites.
• Satan's car is equipped with a Mr. Microphone so he can startle other drivers who are trying to concentrate on the road or whisper evil messages to them over the FM band.
• Satan's car has ice cold air that he blasts with the windows open. He has a warehouse full of CFC refrigerant that he bought off the back of a truck in Mexico in 1978, 'cause the AC sprung a leak and he never bothered to fix it.
• Satan's car has cavernous storage capacity. The trunk holds 473 tormented souls if you take out the spare tire.
Source: National Post 2008