Who is Xenu?

I’m going to tell you a story. Are you sitting comfortably? Right, then I’ll begin.
Once upon a time (75 million years ago to be more precise) there was an alien galactic ruler named Xenu. Xenu was in charge of all the planets in this part of the galaxy including our own planet Earth, except in those days it was called Teegeeack.
Now Xenu had a problem. All of the 76 planets he controlled were over-populated. Each planet had on average 178 billion people. He wanted to get rid of all the overpopulation so he had a plan.

Xenu took over complete control with the help of renegades to defeat the good people and the Loyal Officers. Then with the help of psychiatrists he called in billions of people for income tax inspections where they were instead given injections of alcohol and glycol mixed to paralyse them. Then they were put into space planes that looked exactly like DC8s (except they had rocket motors instead of propellers).
These DC8 space planes then flew to planet Earth where the paralysed people were stacked around the bases of volcanoes in their hundreds of billions. When they had finished stacking them around then H-bombs were lowered into the volcanoes. Xenu then detonated all the H-bombs at the same time and everyone was killed.
The story doesn’t end there though. Since everyone has a soul (called a “thetan” in this story) then you have to trick souls into not coming back again. So while the hundreds of billions of souls were being blown around by the nuclear winds he had special electronic traps that caught all the souls in electronic beams (the electronic beams were sticky like fly-paper).
After he had captured all these souls he had them packed into boxes and taken to a few huge cinemas. There all the souls had to spend days watching special 3D motion pictures that told them what life should be like and many confusing things. In this film they were shown false pictures and told they were God, The Devil and Christ. In the story this process is called “implanting”.
When the films ended and the souls left the cinema these souls started to stick together because since they had all seen the same film they thought they were the same people. They clustered in groups of a few thousand. Now because there were only a few living bodies left they stayed as clusters and inhabited these bodies.
As for Xenu, the Loyal Officers finally overthrew him and they locked him away in a mountain on one of the planets. He is kept in by a force-field powered by an eternal battery and Xenu is still alive today.

That is the end of the story. And so today everyone is full of these clusters of souls called “body thetans”. And if we are to be a free soul then we have to remove all these “body thetans” and pay lots of money to do so. And the only reason people believe in God and Christ was because it was in the film their body thetans saw 75 million years ago.
Well what did you think of that story?
What? You thought it was a stupid story?
Well so do we. Unfortunately this stupid story is the core belief in the religion known as Scientology.* If people knew about this story then most people would never get involved in it. This story is told to you when you reach one of their secret levels called OT III. After that you are supposed to telepathically communicate with these body thetans to make them go away. You have to pay a lot of money to get to this level and do this (or you have to work very hard for the organisation on extremely low pay for many years).
We are telling you this story as a warning. If you become involved with Scientology then we would like you to do so with your eyes open and fully aware of the sort of material it contains.
Most of the Scientologists that work in their Dianetics* centres and so called “Churches” of Scientology do not know this story since they are not allowed to hear it until they reach the secret “upper” levels of Scientology. It may take them many years before they reach this level if they ever do. The ones who do know it are forced to keep it a secret and not tell it to those people who are joining Scientology.
Part of the first page of the secret OT III document in L. Ron Hubbard’s own handwriting.

Now you have read this you know their big secret. Don’t let us put you off joining though.
Even if they promise Tom Cruise-esque powers.
Source: Operation Clambake

What would Satan drive?

Much deliberation has gone into the philosophical quandary: "What would someone-or-other drive?" The question is usually targeted to the best among us – Jesus, the good, the kind, the saintly. But point is often worthless without counterpoint and good is a meaningless concept without evil to help define it. If we explore what the best of us might drive, we should also explore the darker side of the philosophical equation.
What would Satan drive? Satan lives beyond time and human dimension, so what he drives is not the type of information mere mortals can fix in their minds by describing year, make and model. Satan's conveyance appears differently to people of different eras and nations. Egyptians circa 1500 BC might see a big-ass chariot with spiky wheels. Venetians of the 16th century envision an oil black barge with a mysterious gondoliero plying the canals.
Throughout history, those who report seeing such mysterious dark vehicles have no doubt about what they've witnessed, but it's more of an impression than an image. When glimpsed in current times, Satan might drive a car that takes on various characteristics. A few hours after the encounter, witnesses might recall only one or two details about what they saw. If you put all the reports together, they might read something like this:
• Satan drives a big old car, with its vital statistics measured in Imperial units. Two tons strong and 21 feet long with a 10-foot wheelbase.
• Satan drives a big two-door model, 'cause he couldn't care less how easy it is for his passengers to get in or out. He wants a great big door so he can whip it out to clip bicyclists and unwary skateboarders when he's parked.
• Satan's car is a hybrid, running on gasoline primarily and coal when necessary. His car gets eight miles to the gallon in the city and nine on the highway, but, with a 40-gallon tank, that's enough to complete any evil mission on the roster, there and back.
• Satan's car loves to guzzle leaded gasoline because it gives him a sm-o-o-o-o-ther ride.
• Satan's car has 23 well-oiled cylinders and only 17 functioning spark plugs.
• Satan's car has a smooth idle. You can't hear the engine, even though he keeps it running 24/7.
• Satan's car has manual brakes that stick and a big fat aftermarket gas pedal designed specially for cloven hooves.
• Satan's car has a single bumper sticker that reads: "I brake for succubi."
• Satan believes in emissions control. It's called a tailpipe and it directs the fumes behind the vehicle instead of letting them up through the ragged holes in the floorboard.
• Satan's car has four wide-profile blackwalls with no treads and missing air caps.
• Satan's car has a sound system: an AM radio with three pre-sets and an eight-track tape player stuck on an endless loop of Cat Stevens' Tea for the Tillerman. Speakers supplied by Lloyds.
• Satan's car has a video entertainment unit: a 26-inch Electrohome console screwed to the dashboard and held there with barbed wire. There's a Sony Super-Betamax in the glove compartment.
• Satan's leather upholstery is made up of the skins of endangered species. He didn't kill the last few because he figures some day he might need a matching upholstery patch.
• Satan's car features end-to-end chrome and no plastic except for a cracked vinyl roof and an evil little dashboard figure that dances when he does doughnuts in the church parking lot.
• Satan's air freshener is shaped like a lump of coal. It hangs from the rear-view mirror and smells like a mixture of brimstone and bad aftershave.
• Satan's car has a big klaxon horn that goes "A-WHOOO-GA" when you least expect it. He can also flip a switch to play La Cucaracha like the catering trucks that show up on construction sites.
• Satan's car is equipped with a Mr. Microphone so he can startle other drivers who are trying to concentrate on the road or whisper evil messages to them over the FM band.
• Satan's car has ice cold air that he blasts with the windows open. He has a warehouse full of CFC refrigerant that he bought off the back of a truck in Mexico in 1978, 'cause the AC sprung a leak and he never bothered to fix it.
• Satan's car has cavernous storage capacity. The trunk holds 473 tormented souls if you take out the spare tire.
Source: National Post 2008

Happy New Year

Man stabs another man with pork chop bone
ARDMORE -- An Oklahoma man was arrested after police say he stabbed another man in the neck with a pork chop bone during a food fight.
Police in Ardmore, Oklahoma responded to call of a fight outside a local business New Year's day. When they arrived, they found the victim covered in blood with a puncture wound to his neck.
Police arrested the suspect, 38-year-old Tony Willis a few block from the crime scene. According to authorities, Willis had blood on his clothes and they found the bone used in the attack.
The victim was treated at a local hospital and released.
Source: NBC News